Isn’t it funny how one minute, I feel like my life is lagging behind where I want to be, and then the next I’m all like “I don’t know! I don’t want to decide now!”
Some things have been brought up in my life recently that make me think about where I see myself in 10, 15, 20 years. Questions about where to live, what to do, kids or no kids. Don’t I get some freedom, some leeway to say “I don’t know yet”? Why does life make you choose things now based on your narrow experience and contorted view of the world tomorrow? Does it all just work out like it’s supposed to, or is it possible to look back and regret it all?
The truth is, I’m afraid of permanence. Not commitment. Permanence. I’m the type of person who likes to drive to parties. Always have a way home. I’m independent, and although I do trust a select few, I don’t want to literally feel dependent on them. I want to create my own success, yet have someone to share successes with. I will gladly get lost in the woods, have an adventure, if you give me a map or compass. Always have an out. Control what you can. I may not always have the best ideas or way, but at least I don’t feel helpless.
Thoughts at 3am on a Wednesday.